Thanks a lot people

 

I didn't write this but it is a great piece and needs to be read.

 

As we approach the end of another year

> > As we approach the end of the year - I want to thank all of you for
> > your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and
> > have little chance of recovery.

> > I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the
> > waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the
> > bacteria on the lemon peel.

> > I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last
> > person was doing while
> > flipping through the adult movie channels.

> > I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has
> > happened on it since it was last washed..hmmmm

> > I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the
> > number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

> > Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine
> > how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

> > I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a
> > public bathroom.

> > I MUST ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat crap
> > in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every
> > envelope that needs sealing.

>>ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

> > I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)
> > who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

> > I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000
> > that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their
> > special e-mail program.

> > I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
> > for me, and St. Theresa'sNovena has granted my every wish.
> >
> > I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice
> > with my kidneys gone.

> > I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
> > freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

> > I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
> > buffalo on a hot day.

> > THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
> > forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
> > minutes.

> > BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN,I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
> > toilet stains.

> > I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial
> > killer
> > doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

> > I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products
> > are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

> > I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven
> > different types of cancer.

> > THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake
> > could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my
> > butt.

> > AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a penny dropped in the
> > parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting
> > to grab me as I bend over.

> > I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al
> > Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

> > I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin
> > Spider and my hand will fall off.
 

> > Oh, by the way.....

> > A German scientist from Argentina, after
> > a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity
> > read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

> > Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

> > PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by
> > e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.