Lutherans

Lutherans
By Garrison Keillor


I have made fun of Lutherans for years - who
wouldn't, if you lived in North Dakota? But I have
also sung with Lutherans and
that is one of the main
joys of life, along with hot baths and
fresh sweet
corn.


We make fun of Lutherans
for their blandness, their
excessive calm, their fear of
giving offense, their
lack of speed, also for their secret
fondness for
macaroni and cheese. But nobody sings like they do.


If you ask an audience in
New York City, a relatively
Lutheranless place, to sing along
on the chorus of
'Michael Row Your Boat Ashore,' they will
look
daggers at you as if you had asked them to strip to their
underwear. But if you do this among Lutherans they'll smile
and row that boat ashore and up on the beach! And down the
road!


Lutherans are bred from
childhood to sing in
four-part harmony. It's a talent that
comes from
sitting on the lap of someone singing alto or tenor
or bass and hearing the harmonic intervals by putting your
little head against that person's rib cage. It's natural for
Lutherans to sing in harmony. We're too modest to be
soloists,
too worldly to sing in unison. When you're
singing in the key
of C and you slide into the A7th
and D7th chords, all two
hundred of you, it's an
emotionally fulfilling
moment.


I once sang the bass line
of "Children of the
Heavenly Father" in a room with about
three thousand
Lutherans in it; and when we finished, we all
had
tears in our eyes, partly from the promise that God will
not forsake us, partly from the proximity of all those lovely
voices. By our joining in harmony, we somehow promise that
we will not forsake each other.


I do believe this: These
Lutherans are the sort of
people you could call up when you're
in deep
distress. If you're dying, they'll comfort you. If
you're lonely, they'll talk to you. And if you're hungry,
they'll give you tuna salad!


The following list was
compiled by a 20th century
Lutheran who, observing other
Lutherans, wrote down
exactly what he saw or heard:
1. Lutherans
believe in prayer, but would practically
die if asked to pray out loud.
2. Lutherans
like to sing, except when confronted
with a new hymn or a hymn
with more than four stanzas.
3. Lutherans believe their pastors
will visit them in
the hospital, even if they don't notify
them that
they are there.
4. Lutherans usually follow the
official liturgy and
will feel it is their way of suffering
for their sins.
5. Lutherans believe in miracles and even expect
miracles,
especially during their stewardship
visitation programs or
when passing the plate.
6. Lutherans feel that applauding for
their
children's choirs would make the kids too proud and
conceited.
7. Lutherans think that the Bible forbids them from
crossing the
aisle while passing the peace.
8. Lutherans drink coffee as if it
were the Third
Sacrament.
9. Some Lutherans believe that an ELCS
bride and an
LCMS groom make for a mixed marriage.

(For those of you who are not Lutherans, ELCS is
Evangelical Lutheran Church Synod and LCMS is
Lutheran Church Missouri Synod. When and where I grew up in
Minnesota, intermarriage between the two was about as popular
as Lutherans and Catholics marrying.)
10. Lutherans feel guilty for not
staying to clean up
after their own wedding reception in the
Fellowship
Hall.
11. Lutherans are willing to pay up to one dollar for
a meal at church.
12. Lutherans
think that Garrison Keillor stories are
totally factual.
13. Lutherans
still serve Jell-O in the proper
liturgical color of the
season and think that peas in
a tuna noodle casserole add too
much color.
14. Lutherans believe that it is OK to poke fun at
themselves and
never take themselves too seriously.


And finally, you know you're a Lutheran when:
*It's 100 degrees, with 90% humidity, and you still
have coffee after the service;


*You hear something
really funny during the sermon
and smile as loudly as you can;


*Donuts are a line item
in the church budget, just
like coffee;


*The communion cabinet is
open to all, but the coffee
cabinet is locked up tight;


*When you watch a 'Star Wars' movie and they say,
'May the Force be with you,' you
respond, 'and also
with you'.