Merry Christmas

Celebrate the holidays with these hilarious lines from a great Christmas classic.

My little brother had not eaten voluntarily in over three years.
- Ralphie in A Christmas Story

Only one thing in the world could've dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window.
- Ralphie in A Christmas Story

I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!
- Ralphie in A Christmas Story

"Oh my god, I shot my eye out!"
- Ralphie in A Christmas Story

"Where's the glue?"
"We're out of glue."
"You used up all the glue on purpose!"
- Mr. Parker and Mrs. Parker in A Christmas Story

"I have since heard of people under extreme duress speaking in strange tongues. I became conscious that a steady torrent of obscenities and swearing of all kinds was pouring out of me as I screamed."
- Ralphie in A Christmas Story

"Meanwhile, I struggled for exactly the right BB gun hint. It had to be firm, but subtle."
"Flick says he saw some grizzly bears near Pulaski's candy store!"
"They looked at me as if I had lobsters crawling out of my ears."
- Ralphie as Adult and Young Ralphie in A Christmas Story

"Oooh fuuudge!"
"Only I didn't say "Fudge." I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the 'F-dash-dash-dash' word!"
- Ralphie and Ralphie as Adult in A Christmas Story

"It was all over - I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Hmmph. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me."
- Ralphie in A Christmas Story

"We plunged into the cornucopia quivering with desire and the ecstasy of unbridled avarice."
- Ralphie in A Christmas Story

"Aunt Clara had for years labored under the delusion that I was not only perpetually 4 years old, but also a girl."
- Ralphie in A Christmas Story

"Some men are Baptists, others Catholics; my father was an Oldsmobile man."
- Ralphie in A Christmas Story

"In the heat of battle my father wove a tapestry of obscenities that as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan."
- Ralphie in A Christmas Story

"I had heard that word at least ten times a day from my old man. He worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master."
- Ralphie in A Christmas Story

"Fra-gee-lay. That must be Italian."
- Mr. Parker in A Christmas Story

"Over the years I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. Though my personal preference was for Lux, I found that Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor - heavy, but with a touch of mellow smoothness. Life Buoy, on the other hand... YECCHH!"
- Ralphie in A Christmas Story

"He looks like a deranged Easter Bunny."
"He does not!"
"He does too, he looks like a pink nightmare!"
- Mr. Parker and Mrs. Parker in A Christmas Story

"Getting ready to go to school was like getting ready for extended deep-sea diving."
- Ralphie in A Christmas Story

"Now I know that some of you put Flick up to this, but he has refused to say who. But those who did it know their blame, and I'm sure that the guilt you must feel would be far worse than any punishment you might receive. Now, don't you feel terrible? Don't you feel remorse for what you have done? Well, that's all I'm going to say about poor Flick."
"Adults loved to say things like that but kids knew better. We knew darn well it was always better not to get caught."
- Miss Shields and Ralphie in A Christmas Story

"Randy lay there like a slug! It was his only defense!"
- Ralphie in A Christmas Story

"Scut Farkus! What a rotten name! There he stood, between us and the alley. Scut Farkus staring out at us with his yellow eyes. He had yellow eyes! So, help me, God! Yellow eyes!"
- Ralphie in A Christmas Story

"Well I double-DOG-dare ya!"
"Now it was serious. A double-dog-dare. What else was there but a "triple dare ya"? And then, the coup de grace of all dares, the sinister triple-dog-dare." "I TRIPLE-dog-dare ya!" "Schwartz created a slight breach of etiquette by skipping the triple dare and going right for the throat!"
- Ralphie, Narrator and Schwartz in A Christmas Story